I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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