The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
