This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
