I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i love accidental penises.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
