I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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