Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
