i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
