Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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