i love accidental penises.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
