I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
