woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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