Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom