I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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