You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
