I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
