we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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