Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
