i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
