I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
