I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
