it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
