apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
