My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
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There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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