You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
As shirtless as possible
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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