U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
