I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
