I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
