after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
