I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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