I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
