I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We just shotgunned beers for America
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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