We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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