Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
