You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
