have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
