my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
