Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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