I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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