My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
