i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
