she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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