I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
