Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
