Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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