Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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