the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
