Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
