Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
