My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
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You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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