Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
