I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
