You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
