There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
