then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
