you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
