Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize