she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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