I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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