so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
