Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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