btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
