i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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