Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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